Scriptures - Deep Waters Christian Counseling

A Word to the Wise

Mother Teresa used to distribute a little card that she referred to as her business card. The card read, “The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace.” According to this well-know saying, what begins with silence can end in peace.

Throughout the last eleven years of working with married couples in counseling, we can emphatically say that one of the most common frustrations couples face is the inability to communicate well. People have a tendency to think that as long as they are talking, they are communicating. Communication involves both speaking and listening, with listening being the more powerful tool.

Professionals contend that when a woman starts a conversation with her husband it will be successfully completed 35% of the time. When the husband starts the conversation however, the conversation will be successfully completed 75% of the time. Why the discrepancy? Simply put, husbands and wives communicate differently.

Women are usually ready and eager to talk. On an average day, women speak 75,000 words. In general, men only speak 25,000 daily. Therefore, if a husband begins a conversation, the wife can take note that he is ready to talk. Wives may find themselves frustrated because when they are ready to communicate; their husbands may have used all of their words for the day, which can lead to greater aggravation.

Dr. Gary Smalley has a helpful concept which he uses to teach effective communication. He suggests that if either spouse has something important to discuss, they ask their spouse, “Is this a good time to come in your garden?” If the spouse says “no,” then the conversation needs to stop. The key is that the spouse who said “no” must come back to the conversation within 24 hours. This is a guarantee that the conversation will happen and that both partners will be rested, prayed up, and ready to effectively communicate. We have followed this concept for years and it really is beneficial.

An additional road block to effective communication is that when we want to talk with our spouse about something, we are often feeling frustrated. Trying to communicate while irritated, can be a tricky path to navigate. Proverbs 10:19 contends, “Where many words are present, sin is never absent.” Statistically, when you say one negative thing to your spouse, it takes 17 positive sayings to make up for the one negative. Most of us are in the red when it comes to building up our spouses because we spend so much of our talking time complaining about them. 17 positives to one negative…you do the math.

Communication comes in forms other than words. Some psychologists suggest that up to 70% of communication is non-verbal. In other words, you can be silent and still send a positive or a negative message. Rolling eyes, shrugging shoulders, and blatant sighs also communicate…just not effectively. On the other hand, a quick wink, a sly smile, and a warm touch also send meaningful messages.

Do you have children? Are they in the stage where they roll their eyes and make annoying facial expressions while you speak? If so, think about how frustrating that is to you. From a psychological perspective, the minute that you begin to mirror their responses to you, you have gotten on their level and lost your power as a parent…as the adult. You have become a child again and two frustrated children usually do not communicate well.

Now, transfer this concept to communication with your spouse. If one of you shrugs, folds your arms, and huffs, one child is communicating with one adult…not a healthy combination for married communication.

Lastly, if we had to pick one main reason why communication is so hard for couples, we would choose one word…trust. Trust, listening, and respect go hand in hand regarding communication. When you are communicating with your spouse, do you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have your best interest at heart? Do you trust your spouse to care for you? Do you really listen to what your spouse is saying instead of assuming what they are saying? Proverbs 31:11 reads, “The heart of her husband safely trusts her.” The woman in this verse is trusted by her husband and their marriage discloses that truth.

If you trust your spouse, you will listen to what they are saying and not assume they are trying to hurt you with words. If you trust your spouse, you will choose your words carefully, so as not to hurt them. If you trust your spouse, you will be very slow to speak, quick to listen, and slow to become angry. For most of us, anger is the emotion we reach for because we do not know how to express ourselves well. Anger usually does not promote effective communication…trust does.

Remember Mother Teresa’s card which read, “The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace.” Looks like Mother Teresa did have it right. If you have nothing nice to say, remain silent and pray. While praying, God will change your heart, which will change your words, which will change how you address your spouse. Ultimately, speaking to your spouse in love, through effective communication, will inevitably lead to peace.

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